Mel (husband) has gone out for the evening again, and the nanny has bailed. In order to avoid having to declare a state of emergency, I am implementing the following rules for one night only:

1. There is no need for pyjamas. Your day clothes will be fine.
2. It is national ‘don’t worry about doing your teeth’ day.
3. The one yoghurt a day rule is suspended. You can have as many as you like as long as you get them yourselves. Don’t ask me, just eat them until you are sick or they run out.
4. If you are sick as a result of over consumption of yoghurt so, you can clean it up yourself.
5. Babies- the string tying your door handle to the banisters is non-negotiable.
6. Older children – you can stay up watching Netflix until you fall asleep or ask for bed. I am not prepared to fight you – I am too busy topping up the babies bottles and changing their nappies. If you do choose to go to bed before 8pm I will promise to knit the white chicken booties so it doesn’t have so much trouble walking up the chicken ramp (see post from last evening alone with kids).
7. It’s national ‘don’t do your homework’ day.
8. Each glass of gin counts as another of mummies 5 fruit and veg a day.
9. Next time I find a soft toy on top of my spineless yukka, I will use it to light the wood burner.
10. The stuff all over the floor demonstrates my modern and progressive attitude to parenting, nurturing your creative abilities by allowing ‘floor art’.
11. I understand that it is the childhood version of Armageddon if Netflix stops functioning and daddy isn’t here to fix it. If this happens, I still don’t do computers. Increasing the level of screaming, or kicking the floor until you hurt your heels will not change this. I do not do computers.
12. Potatoes and gin constitutes a well planned, healthy balanced evening meal. When drunk with jacket potatoes, gin counts as two of mummies five a day.
13. Yes we can watch Harry Potter at special time, but if we have to go through the whole shadows death eater thing again I will get cross.
14. Babies, I think you have reached a stage where you are capable of mixing your own formula. Water is in a flask. Tin of powder is open on your stool. Have as much as you want, but please note that the yoghurt principle of over indulgence applies.
15. Dessert wine is the new cupcake. There is no need to worry about actually having dessert to go with it. It counts as one of mummies 5 a day when eaten without actual dessert.
16. When the volume rises above 200 decibels, the baby monitor automatically turns itself off so mummy can’t hear you.
17. I have to make your packed lunches now. If you keep asking me for snacks at the current rate, I might find myself unable to resist the temptation to add wholegrain mustard to your ham sandwich.
19. If the ice cubes for the gin run out, it is totally ok to use the kids favourite ice lollies as a replacement. After all, it was probably the kids that ate your ice cubes in the first place, and anyway, rainbow gin looks quite fun.
18. The baby monitor just automatically turned itself off…