Dear Royal Courts of Justice,

Tomorrow is Friday, you know, my day off. You routinely list hearings on my cases on Fridays. This means that I drive the kids and the nanny to story sack at a local children’s centre where they spend an hour studying books such as Aliens Love Underpants and The Very Hungry Caterpillar.  During that time I sit in the Headmistresses office conducting the telephone hearings.

You have omitted to give me a last minute hearing for tomorrow. While it is entirely my prerogative to complain about working on my day off, it is equally my prerogative to complain about the fact that instead of conducting a court hearing tomorrow at 10.30 am I will be spending an hour studying ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’, making butterfly paintings and salt dough caterpillars. Between you and me, I hate ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’. It is mainly about food. I like food, and it makes me think about food like cake and watermelon. I have just joined my department slimming club, so spending Friday morning thinking about food is bad, very bad. Weigh in is on Tuesday so I need not to think about food all of Friday morning.  Please send me a court hearing. NOW!