I made the mistake of taking the 3 and 5 year old to the supermarket tonight after work/school/pre-school. Yes, I know, this is the type of mistake only a novice parent would make, but I am shattered and thought perhaps they could behave like humans rather than animals for one short outing. Needless to say, they did not. Their behaviour attracted those well meaning smiles from people who obviously have gone through parenting themselves, and those disapproving looks from others who clearly don’t have kids like mine.

I was aiming to buy steak for supper, but we had to leave that aisle after the 3 year old used her colouring pencil to poke holes in several packets of minced beef. We also abandoned the deli counter when the kids managed to collapse the display sign having been asked to dismount the glass chiller cabinet. It was against this background that I somehow managed to come home with…wait for it…Ostrich steaks. Yes, you are right, you did not mis-read, I bought Ostrich Steak fillets. I mean, who the f**k eats Ostrich steaks for supper except perhaps a hungry crocodile. I am going to serve it to the kids, and we will have jacket potatoes. After all, it’s their fault.