Yummy mummies will not need this recipe. They will be feeding their little darlings something like beetroot infused goats cheese on a bed of organic quinoa topped with home toasted pine nuts. My recipe is for normal mummies.

My recipe requires only two specified ingredients, tomatoes and cheese. The rest are entirely optional and interchangeable. You do need to do some advance preparation though. You need to go to the market and buy a large box of tomatoes while harbouring ides about making homemade chutney, which you know will never actually come to fruition. When you get home, dump the tomatoes in the bottom of the fridge for around a fortnight or until just before they go mouldy.

When the the kids are suitably entertained, drawing on the walls or whatever else they do while your back is turned, you are ready to get started. Chop and fry everything in the fridge which can be fried (except eggs). Things which fry well are onions, garlic and peppers. Things which do not fry so well are carrots, broccoli and green beans, but if you fancy it, fry them anyway.

Hack tomatoes into any old shape and size, add the fried stuff and boil to infinity and beyond, or whenever it’s gone all mushy. While its boiling, frantically search the cupboard for anything which is red and comes in a jar or tin (except chilli if you plan on feeding to the kids, although depending on the level of household destruction they have wrought while you were cooking, you might choose to throw in some revenge chilli).  I used red pesto, but tinned tomatoes, tomato purée and even tomato ketchup would work as well. Add whatever you have found and keep boiling while you grate at least 1 block of cheese. This stage is crucial. Do not attempt this recipe without at least 1 block of cheese as it will taste grim obviously. Dump in the cheese and give it a stir.

Boil some potatoes, pasta or rice depending on what you have persuaded your kids they don’t hate, put on a plate and tip some of the sauce on top. If they turn their noses up, add more cheese and put Horrid Henry on. This usually causes them to become Zombified and forget to complain for about 3 seconds.

The real beauty of this recipe is the fact that it also freezes so you can put the remains in an unlabelled Tupperware, put it in the freezer, find it a year later and think “what the fuck is that” before throwing it and the Tupperware in the bin.

Do not serve this to a yummy mummies kids as she may spontaneously combust.