Special edition blog, brought to you by the twins (aged 2).

We know that most of you know what we are about to say. That’s because the toddlers of the world are basically united when it comes to the rules surrounding toddlers shoes. It is, in fact, known as the ‘Universal Code of Toddler Shoes’. It goes a bit like this:

The Code
1. Mummies and daddies often start yelling at us about being late when they start flapping about shoes and coats. This is the adults fault. If they sorted out the shoe thing instead of pottering around doing pointless shit like baby wiping mushed banana off our clothes, fussing about the snot, beans and other foods we have applied to our hair, and trying to unweld weetabix from our faces, then they wouldn’t be late.

2. If it is a hot sunny day, we will want to wear our wellies. We will shout, scream and wail until the adult is so late, they give in and let us wear them.

3. Obviously if it is pissing down with rain, we will not want to wear wellies. We will want to wear last years summers sandals which we have just found under our beds. They might not fit, and there may not even be a pair, but a that will be the footwear of choice.

3. Adults insist that we have a 50/50 chance of getting our shoes on the right feet. They are clearly mistaken as 96.5% of the time, we will get our shoes on the wrong feet.

4. The fact that we loved the expensive purple Startright shoes and refused to leave the shop without them yesterday does not commit us to liking them for more than an hour after purchase. Obviously, we will wear them at least once, so mummy can’t take them back. But then we can hate them because they are not pink with Unicorns or fairies or some other shit on them.

5. Wearing someone else’s shoes is ALWAYS better than wearing your own. This is best done by putting them on when the person is not looking, then wildly refusing to take them off. The bigger, the better, obviously. Also, heels are great, particularly when they don’t match, are of different heights, and are both for the left foot.

6. You should never bother giving a second thought to your footwear before jumping in the largest muddiest puddle you see (thanks for that amazing game Peppa Pig!). If it takes 2 days for your normal shoes to dry out, it’s a good opportunity to wear someone else’s shoes instead. Or if it’s sunny, you could wear your wellies.

7. The best time to kick off a shoe, or both, is when you are out, and the adult is doing the whole stress head thing. If you don’t want to go home when they do, just kick off a shoe. It usually takes at least 10 minutes for them to notice, then they have to go back the way they came muttering obscenities under their breath, while trying to find the missing shoe. Obviously for a longer delay, kick them both off at different points.

8. Like everything else in life, shoes can be licked and chewed. The adults sometimes get a bit screamy when you do this.

9. Finally, a really great place to store things you don’t want anyone to find for a while, is in an adults shoe. In our experience, you can fit quite a lot in there. We have successfully hidden half eaten bananas, nano bugs, car keys, mobile phones, weetabix, chewed Haribo, and remote controls in our parents shoes, but really, the possibilities are endless.

Love the twins! X