Today my 3 year old daughter and I braved an electrical shop because I wanted a laptop. Being a technological ignoramus, this was no mean feat. My 3 yo variously lay on the floor kicking stuff, sang renditions of twinkle star and the wheels on the bus to anyone who would listen, and did weird stuff to the display models (she actually licked a screen which had an ice cream backdrop!). During this time I asked apparently stupid questions of an increasingly frustrated salesman, and intermittently phoned my demented husband to ask questions about what extras I did and didn’t need (NONE! was apparently the correct answer). It must have taken over an hour by the time I picked my laptop and persuaded the salesman that I did not need any extras, especially Microsoft Office, a mobile phone package, a rubbish looking new case or a care plan.

By the time we left, the 3 yo was pleading starvation, dehydration and an urgent need for a wee. I, bundled her in the car, and drove all of 2 minutes away to Burger King. If I thought that buying a new laptop was extremely difficult, my Burger King experience gave me the opportunity to re-assess.

I have not been paid for this review, although Burger Kings receipt promises me a free Whopper if I complete their online form and buy a drink and fries. I think I will just review it here, and give their kind offer a miss. I am sorry to announce that I am not running a giveaway on behalf of Burger King. That’s because I would not insult your body, taste buds or stress levels in that way.

Review

So, onto my review. The fact that the queue was out the door did not initially unduly alarm me. After all, it is fast food, right? Wrong. Luckily, the 3 year old is quite cute and very outgoing, and provided much queue entertainment (the Irish dancing needs work). However, we still waited more than 15 minutes to place our order. Order placed, we waited, and waited, and then waited some more. She played Toca House, Toca Monsters, CBeebees etc. Eventually, she came to the till and announced that she thought we should just go home now as lunch must be broken. This prompted many laughs then a small cheer of support. We stood on masse and regarded the spectacle that was the BK kitchen. Here, I have to give a really big big up to the two and only two servers. They were running around like crazy loons (according to my receipt, my host was Nixon, so well done Nixon and friend!). Not only were they taking orders, serving drinks, running over and serving fries, loading trays and calling to the kitchen to tell them what to make next, but they were also processing payments and apologising to customers. They cannot have been boys of over 25, but they were effectively running the place and making up for their entirely inept colleagues.

Meanwhile, in the back, there were a huge number of people wearing BK uniforms, looking stressed, and actually falling over each other. I have 7 people to cook for at every meal. I am no chef, but I reckon  I could give BK a few top tips. These would be things like ‘You are better having one person who knows what the fuck they are actually meant to be doing, and gets the hell on with it, rather than having 15 people who haven’t got a sodding clue, and are quite literally falling over each other, and pushing each other out of the way’. You know, basic stuff like that.

I can say with certainty that it took precisely 37 minutes to get an adult meal and a child’s meal (time of payment is shown on the receipt). That isn’t the time from entering the restaurant (52 minutes is that statistic). When I got my burger, it was frankly so disgusting I took it back. It was thrown in the bin, and I had to pay £1 to upgrade to something edible (I know, 56 minutes late and I have to pay £1 for an upgrade, and 10p for BBQ sauce!). I am not even going to talk about the kids chicken nuggets. Lets just say that the chicken sadly died in vain. Burger King failed its memory.

Other key features include a weather matching service. You know, if it’s minus 5 degrees C outside, they will match it inside. They also offer a drive through with a queue almost as long as the internal one (I mean if you are really shit at providing one service, why not offer a second one so that you are doubly shit at both). My final feature is a wipe your face on your own clothes one, as they did not actually provide any napkins in store.

Obviously, I wouldn’t want to directly embarrass anyone at the store. For that reason, I am not identifying it, though I will happily do so to BK if they can get their shit together well enough to actually read this (highly unlikely in my estimation!). But for any of you peeps who like rhymes, I can say that the store location rhymes with ‘LEDG-END’). Anyone local might have a guess.

Happy Friday Everyone. X