It’s Mother’s Day, hip hip hooray!

You will get spoilt they said.

Fluffy slippers, breakfast kippers,

Served to you in bed.

And so I waken with a thump

A dolly hits my head,

‘Benjy hit me’, ‘Emmy bit me,

‘Patch is a grump’ they said.

‘Mummy, Mummy, please get up,

Purcy cat has hit the pup,

Ben’s put soldiers down the loo,

Lucy’s poured milk in your shoes.’

So I drag my sleepy head,

Weary, drowsy out of bed,

Down to see the damage wrought,

For the 10 minutes extra sleep I sought.

I should know it’s never worth it,

On Mother’s Day I thought I’d earned it,

But I see that I was wrong,

Feeding cannot wait that long.

Peanut better, bread and ham,

Eggs and pancakes strawberry jam,

Milk and water, squash and fizzy,

By the time I’m done, I’m dizzy.

Dreaming of a cup of tea,

Then the cat lands on my knee,

Giving me his evil stare,

Mummy, clearly you don’t care.

Feed the animals, chickens out,

Benjy gives his sis a clout.

Then I land hard on my knee

Having slipped in puppy wee.

As I nurse my injured limb,

I gave Facebook a quick skim,

Choc’s and flowers, cuddly ted’s,

Mummies supping tea in bed.

I hope they choke, hope they get sick,

I hope they stand on Lego bricks.

‘Don’t be such a bitch’ I hear,

My conscience whisper in my ear.

You hate Choc and cuddly ted’s,

Don’t allow food in your bed.

You have the greatest gift! That’s right!

You are mum to these delights!

They might be bossy, mean and rude,

Each demanding different food.

But they’re also sweet and lovely,

Sometimes kind and very cuddly.

Each kid took 9 months to grow,

Exiting painfully via fanjo.

Maximum of 3 hours sleeping

Nipples cracked and sore and weeping.

A pelvic floor that is no more,

Pooey nappies on the floor.

Still I love the little buggers.

That’s because I am their mother.

There is nothing they could do

Would stop me saying ‘I love you’.

Spoiled Mums should count your luck

Unspoiled Mums shouldn’t give a fuck.

Because the greatest gift of all,

Is being a Mummy to the smalls!

#happymothersday